The "Goes Wrong" Show

Everything, everywhere, all at once, and very fast.

What a week.

I’m sitting in a car heading to Colorado to surprise my mom on her birthday, or slightly after her birthday, however the case may be. I am thoroughly pooped in every way after the seven days preceding this one. I am so glad it’s over.

Over in Great Britain, they have this TV show called “The Goes Wrong Show.” It’s pretty self-explanatory. Each episode is a stand alone story filmed on a completely wonky set. It’s pretty funny, but I could only watch a couple episodes as I found myself irritated every time I tried. Anyway, last week was an episode from “The Goes Wrong Show.” Specifically, that fateful Thursday.

As you probably know from previous letters and if you keep up with my Substack messages, I have had my sister-in-law, Kaylee, and my nephew, Captain Chubbs, living with us since August while their husband/dad has been deployed and wandering, we know not where, all over the Mediterranean doing we know not what. (Who can know the mind of the Navy, especially the Navy in 2023.) As his deployment was nearing the finish line, Kaylee set her return date home for April the 20th.

Meanwhile, another sister-in-law (Abigail), her husband and baby made the decision to accept a job promotion which would require them to move to Oklahoma. It so happened that they were going to end up homeless between closing on their old home and closing on the new one starting April 21st or thereabouts. So, they needed to come stay with us on the 21st, one day after Kaylee and the baby moved out.

Simultaneously, I was preparing for this trip to Colorado. Many months prior to all this, I had arranged to carry my niece back to CO on the 21st after a visit to SC with old friends.

And now…you begin to grasp just why I am so pooped. But you still haven’t heard the most exciting parts.

At the beginning of the week, things were moving along busily but smoothly. I lost a good bit of sleep due to all the packing and planning that had to be done and Jonathon’s snoring and restless tossing and turning in the night, but I was managing. Until…I got slightly sick. I got a touch of something that irritated my throat and made me stuffy, but I was still able to keep trucking along. I even managed to help Kaylee with some packing and keep tabs on Captain Chubs who is now crawling at a speed most frightening.

There was one early indication of complication that was stressing us out all week, though—the timing of the delivery of Kaylee’s vehicle. But for you to understand that, I have to back up a little.

There’s a homeless man in Anderson who won’t take any help and seems to prefer being homeless. I know him by sight, but a lot of locals know him by name. He can frequently be found pushing a shopping cart piled high with all of his worldly possessions down the center of Clemson Boulevard which is about seven lanes wide and one of the most congested roads in town. For our purposes, we will call him George.

Several weeks ago, Kaylee had just exited the dentist’s office after getting some extensive work done in her mouth. She was on the road only a few minutes when she encountered George and his cart of death. Concerned that she not hit him, for he was in the middle of the road once again, she failed to see the two vehicles ahead of her slamming on their brakes and rear ended the guy in front of her. Thankfully, no one was injured, not even George who was oblivious to the collision he had just caused, and all parties returned home safely. (Well, there were more happenings after that. That day was also “The Goes Wrong Show” in its own right, but we want to focus on current events.) Unfortunately, the insurance company decided to total Kaylee’s vehicle and the hunt was on for a “new” used vehicle so she could drive home with all of her stuff. The week before last, Sam found a vehicle, bought it, and arranged to have it delivered to our house “sometime next week.”

That was the problem. Kaylee had to leave on the 20th and no later. It had to arrive on or before the 20th or we were going to have problems. Abby and company was coming the following day and I had to have time to reset the guest bedrooms. We waited to hear from the dealership with bated breath.

Wednesday evening, the guy who was going to deliver the car called and promised to have the vehicle at our house around 9:00 in the morning. Perfect! We all cheered. So, here’s what was supposed to happen on Thursday:

7:30 AM Get up and eat breakfast, then help Kaylee get her remaining belongings gathered together.

9:00 AM Car arrives, perhaps a little later than 9:00. Load up the car.

10:00 AM Wave to Kaylee as she heads back home.

12:00 PM Go into town with Jonathon and pick up the rental car for the Colorado trip. Drive both cars back home so Abigail has our car to use while she is at our house.

Rest of the afternoon: Reset the guest bedrooms, pack the remaining stuff for my trip and accomplish last minute tasks.

7:00 PM Load the dogs in the car and drop off with friends who will be looking after them while we’re gone. Then drive to Greenville, pick up my niece, Constance, and bring her back home so we can leave from there to CO bright and early the following morning.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Here’s what actually happened:

I got up at the appointed time, breakfasted, drank my coffee outside and relished a few minutes of quiet. Then I got busy about my day. Around 9:00, the car was nowhere in sight. Kaylee called the man who informed her he was about two hours away. TWO HOURS AWAY! Neither of us was very happy. Nevertheless, mustn’t panic. We improvised. Kaylee took our car to run a quick errand while we waited.

Two hours later, Kaylee’s car was still not delivered. All of her worldly possessions were now outside on the patio. We wanted to stay and help her pack up the car, but we had to leave and go pick up our rental car.

Jonathon and I hopped in the car and took off, hoping to get back in time to help her. Part way down our street, I saw it! There was the vehicle strapped to the trailer being pulled up the road by a pick up truck. Jonathon decided to drop me back off at the house to help Kaylee while he went to get the rental. Kaylee could just drop me off in town to get our car on her way out.

When he stepped out and greeted us, I noticed the delivery guy (without saying anything that could possible offend anyone) was from a region of the world where the concept of a deadline is quite flexible. So, I tried to think charitably. Nevertheless, the silly grin on his face was quite irritating, and I was sorely tempted to break one of my patio planters over his head. I almost did at the next chapter of this dreadful adventure.

Kaylee said, “I understand you take a credit card?”

“No. Only cash, Zelle, or business check.”

Again with that silly grin. Kaylee didn’t have cash because she had been told she could pay with credit card. We dashed around last minute, trying to pay the man for the delivery. I scrounged cash from the house and Kaylee paid him the rest electronically. (In case anyone thought it would be fun to rob our house while we’re away, there’s no more money left there.)

The time was now 1:00, a full four hours after Kaylee’s intended departure time. Poor little Captain Chubbs had missed his morning nap in all of this chaos and I was wondering when that bomb was going to go off. The annoying man finally left unscathed (I did not, in fact, break a planter over his head) and we set about loading the car.

It quickly became apparent that there would be no room for me in the car. There was too much stuff. So I improvised. I called Reva (the friend who will be keeping the dogs for us) and asked if she’d be willing to cart me into town so I could bring our car back. She was. One problem solved.

Kaylee and I got the back of the car loaded and shut the hatch. Or tried. It wouldn’t latch. We tried and tried and it just wouldn’t. Then Kaylee realized that the latch was electronic and perhaps we just needed to turn the car on? So we tried that. Kaylee put the key in the ignition, turned it, and…nothing. The battery was dead.

We both about sat down and cried. Kaylee was able to jump it once with a battery pack, but it didn’t take. Around that time, Reva showed up to take me to town. I got the make and model of the car from Kaylee, texted that to Jonathon, and he bought a battery while I headed his way. Twenty-five minutes later (it takes a while to get to town from our house) Reva dropped me off, I hopped in our car, turned around, and went back home.

Once home, I noticed that Captain Chubbs, rather than going off like a bomb, was being a sweet little man in spite of being exhausted. That was a saving grace.

Jonathon pulled out the old battery with some difficulty, installed the new, and the car turned over and started purring like a kitten. Praise the Lord! It was then that Jonathon realized why the battery was dead on arrival. The delivery guy had left the head lights on. He was now miles away and out of reach of my wrath and any planters I had on hand.

At 4:30, Kaylee was on her way back home. I got word from her earlier that she made it there safely and there were no further car mishaps.

But my day had only just begun. The house needed cleaning, the dogs had to get delivered to our friends, Constance had to be picked up, and my packing was still not done. But I won’t bore you with all of that. It all got done, somewhat late into the night, but it did get done. As of this point in my writing, I’m three hours out from my destination in Colorado, and I’m going to try and forget my booger of a week, rest, and visit with the family.

I hope you enjoyed this tale at my expense.

Housekeeping

Keeps your eyes peeled for the next chapter of The Pursuit of Elizabeth Millhouse! I’ll be sending that out as usual on Wednesday morning at 7:00 AM. Please do consider becoming a paid subscriber so I can save up my pennies and get it back in print. And share this newsletter with anyone you know needs a good laugh today!

That’s all for now. Until next time, folks…