Meddling Aunties and Unrealistic Expectations

We may need more of the former and a lot less of the latter.

Last Sunday after I had completed my newsletter, I got two emails back to back from email lists I subscribe to. The subject matter was marriage and relationships. Even though both authors came at the same subject from different directions, I couldn’t help but notice how closely they related to a problem I have noticed come to a head in society at large, but also in Christian circles: Young people are having the darnedest time finding someone to marry. I get why this is happening in society at large, but I don’t understand why it’s such a problem in the church. Well, that’s not entirely true. I do know some of the factors.

One factor is that single women outnumber single men in the church. Another factor is that many single Christian men have not been trained to grow up. They know they want a relationship and marriage someday, but they have very little practical know-how about what it takes to support a family so that this dream can go from the hypothetical to the reality. Another factor is this odd notion that gets peddled in Christian circles, that young men need to fall asleep like Adam did in the garden, and then God will magically bring him his Eve when the time is right. This is a lovely notion, but it’s a bad hermeneutic and completely unrealistic. Hormones, after all, do not fall asleep no matter how many times you tell them to do so. Hormone-addled young people are likely to go and do things they ought not, especially if they are busily telling themselves the whole time that their hormones are asleep, when they are in fact, not asleep. Besides that, it promotes laziness. When the Bible says, “Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing,” it pretty strongly implies that a young fellow needs to wake up, get off his tush, and go searching. There are many more factors, of course, like overbearing parents who think no one is good enough for their precious darling, fear of failure, college debt, etc…

But what I read in these two newsletters written by two women who don’t even know each other, spoke to two factors I think are also involved—1. unrealistic expectations about romantic relationships and 2. lack of strong familial and societal networks of “meddling aunties.”

So, let me introduce you to these ladies who have had a profound influence on my own thinking.

Sheryl Paul

Back when I first met Jonathon at the age of twenty-nine, I was trying to get myself acclimated to the idea that I was probably never going to marry. Nobody suitable wanted me (unless you count the guys who whistled at me from their cars), and I figured if someone finally did want me, it would probably be too late in my life to have children. (This second premonition has, sadly, become more and more likely to be my situation as time goes on, what with the major health issues and the fact that I’m now approaching 40.)

Anyway, suddenly there was Jonathon and it looked like he wanted me. But, did I want him? He was not everything I had hoped and dreamed of, for sure. I didn’t feel “attracted” or “have chemistry” or whatever… In a bit of an anxious spin, I went googling and found Sheryl Paul. Sheryl Paul makes a living helping anxious souls stay with their eminently suitable partners. I did some reading on her blog, and it so resonated with me as being true. Basically, I knew that Jonathon was the sort of solid, steady, goodhearted man that makes an excellent husband and who also happened to share my core values in life. So, when Jonathon asked if he could date me, I agreed. I even took one of Sheryl’s online courses when anxiety hit even harder later on.

Reader, I married him. Thanks, in large part to Sheryl Paul, I am now married to a wonderful man whom I love and who loves me. I don’t know where I’d be without Jonathon, to be honest. Most likely, still sick with Lyme, trying to drag myself out of bed so I could work and pay my bills, with a cat or two for company. Though he doesn’t look like Prince Charming, he is my hero, my confidant, my cheerleader, and the one who, ever-so-patiently but insistently, urged me to get back to writing. So, if you’re enjoying my writing, you can thank him for that.

So Sheryl wrote an article called, “The 80% Rule About Relationships Has Been Verified!” She describes the time she got Covid a while back, and while stuck home recovering, she began watching “Indian Matchmaking” on Netflix. One of the matchmakers on the show told her young, hopeful, and idealistic clients after going through their ideal partner wishlists, that if they got 60-70% of what they wanted in a person, they should move forward with the relationship. Cue the fallen faces.

The older generation knows what we across the globe – from America to India – have forgotten: perfection is impossible.

In one episode, a woman named Viral goes out on a blind date with a lovely, sweet guy. She calls the matchmaker afterwards and says, “It’s 80% there but there’s no physical attraction.”

Matchmaker Sima pauses, sighs, and says, “Very few people get to 80%. Viral, do you think you’re superficial? I think you’re giving too many marks to beauty. The person should be good at heart. He should be down to earth.”

This is solid, safe advice. But most people reject it. Conditioned by a culture that tells you that you can “have it all” and “don’t settle”, many marriage hopefuls walk away from a good match because it’s not perfect, especially if the “hook” is lack of physical attraction.

She goes on to discuss the shame and confusion so many people experience when they don’t initially feel attracted to the person they’re dating or even lose their feelings of attraction months in. I certainly felt that shame. But I came to realize that Scripture didn’t actually require me to feel in love or have intense physical attraction for a guy in order to marry him. It’s just not in Scripture. (It’s also not in Scripture that you shouldn’t have intense physical attraction for a guy, so if that’s you I’m delighted for you.) And don’t come at me with your Song of Solomon references, please. That’s also a bad hermeneutic. The Bible just commands me to love and honor my husband, and that I can do. (Pssst! Love is much, much more than an erotic feeling.) And have done, and will continue to do. What Sheryl Paul does best is cut through all the cultural gobbledygook surrounding dating and marriage and lets the main thing be the main thing. You can read her brief article below, and I would strongly encourage you to do so.

The 80% Rule About Relationships Has Been Verified!

Mary Harrington

I’ve spoken of Mary Harrington before in a previous newsletter:

She’s right here on Substack, and if you haven’t gone and subscribed to her email list yet, you should. I find her commentary on cultural issues to be so insightful and profound. In her recent piece, “The Missing Aunties,” Indian matchmaking was, once again, the launch for her thoughts. She describes an Indian friend from her college days, whose entire extended family went to work, trying to find him a suitable wife, and how odd she found the whole situation at the time. But now, it doesn’t seem odd at all. It seems kind of…optimal. She writes:

If I had a quid for every attractive, pleasant, well-educated, right-of-centre twentysomething who has asked me for advice on how to find someone to marry, I wouldn’t need to invite reader contributions on Substack. My friend and fellow reactionary feminist Louise Perry (whose podcast I heartily recommend to you all) reports the same phenomenon. And essentially, what Louise and I find ourselves being asked for is aunty input, in a world where this social role no longer exists in the cultural mainstream.

In the case of my ex-colleague, “the aunties” weren’t meddling for the sake of it. Their goal was to help form new families in which the parties were well-matched in terms of wealth, class, culture, and extended family. To that end, they used their social connections to look for matches, vet their character, assess their families and stage-manage the introductions. This subtle piece of social weaving has, across many cultures, traditionally been the purview of married matrons (which is what “aunties” in the broadest sense means). For while some of the aunty-ing role can in theory be done by single peers, already-married aunties have the advantage not only of more life experience, but also the right mix of beady-eyed pragmatism and personal detachment that comes with no longer being on the hunt for a partner yourself.

One of the reasons she gives for the disappearance of meddling aunties is, well, feminism. Particularly, the last couple iterations of feminism. She continues:

Why did the aunties stop auntying, in the mainstream West? A while back, I wrote about women’s distinctive three-part Hero’s Journey - from maiden, to mother, then matriarch - and about how liberal feminism seems to centre the maiden and treat the others as problems to be solved. And I wonder: did we stop aunty-ing when we embraced the idea we’d all be better off as young, fresh, independent maidens forever? Done well, after all, aunty-ing results in the formation of new couples - and thus, more often than not, new mothers and eventually new matriarchs. The essence of aunty-ing is moving the heroine along her journey.

And when liberal feminism says there is no three-part journey, just an individual quest for self-actualisation (or perhaps eternal sexiness) then a helpful aunty who is trying to move you on from Maiden to Mother is likely to meet a sharp rebuff. Perhaps as a consequence, aunty-ing is now done covertly if at all, and there are few formal rituals that mediate it.

Do, go and read her entire piece on Substack. It’s really good. While you’re at it, she also wrote another thought-provoking piece called, “Barbie’s Beauty Standards.” Pretty much everything I’ve read from her has been thought provoking. Oh, for goodness’ sake, just go subscribe to her Substack!

The Missing Aunties

So, what say you? Shall I become a meddling auntie in the best sense? I know too many lovely young singles who want to be married but can’t find anyone. What’s to be done about it? I do think there’s a lot of room in this current cultural moment for…facilitators. People who keep their eyes open and make mental note of who is single and might get on well with another single three states away. Much to think about, at any rate.

Housekeeping

Sending out the next chapter of The Pursuit of Elizabeth Millhouse as usual on Wednesday at 7:00 AM.

Last week, I had an in person meeting with the author who mentored me through writing my first novel. It was really encouraging. He read 27, what I’ve completed, and he thinks it’s my best work so far. I happen to agree. Perhaps I’ll write more about our discussion next week.

That’s all for now. Until next time, folks…