In Praise of the Lowly Apron

And why you should get in the habit of wearing one!

Those of you who follow me on Facebook may have noticed by now that I rarely post a selfie where I don’t have an apron on. That’s because as soon as I roll out of bed and dress myself, I head to the kitchen and put one on, and I don’t usually take it off until after lunch is over. Due to all my food sensitivities, I have to make pretty much everything from scratch. I even make my own mayonnaise. I am in the kitchen making food a lot. Sometimes, I don’t even take my apron off until it’s time to get ready for bed! It’s a habit I intentionally cultivated over the last five years or so. I truly don’t know why it took me so long to start the habit, because aprons are marvelous.

I really should have known. Years ago, I worked at a family owned bakery in Kalamazoo, MI called Boonzaaijer Bakery. (If you’re ever in the area, go. You will not regret it. I was thoroughly spoiled working there, and now no cake compares to Boonzaaijer cake. Sadly, I can’t eat any of it anymore due to gluten, dairy, and egg sensitivity and must now content myself with fond memories of sinking my teeth into a marzipan bar.) We were all required to wear aprons there, and by the end of the day, they looked like a painter’s pallet with a rainbow of frosting colors and Bavarian cream smeared where we had repeatedly wiped our sticky fingers in a hurry.

But when I went back home at night, I never put an apron on.

On my profile here, I describe myself as a “Feral housewife—barefoot and dangerous in the kitchen.” Once upon a time, I read a meme somewhere that, “Domestic housewife implies that there must be feral housewives,” and I thought that was so funny, I decided to call myself a feral housewife from that day forward.

And this is descriptive of me, actually. Not because I run around half naked, wielding a club, and uttering guttural grunts in lieu of speech, but because I don’t do a lot of things the way a lot of people do them and mostly because I am extremely clumsy. Because I am so clumsy, I make big messes in the kitchen on the regular. (Also, outside the kitchen. For instance, I spilled an entire jar of buttons on the floor in my sewing room just last week. It seemed to slip out of my fingers in slow motion, turn upside down in mid air, and rained buttons everywhere. How, I still don’t know. One moment, it was secure in my hands and the next, it was airborne.)

I also accidentally grate my fingers instead of a cheese block, burn my hands on the top of the oven as I’m taking out a tray of biscuits, give myself paper cuts, accidentally rub lemon juice in said paper cuts, and I trip over…nothing whatsoever. I am a danger to myself and others, especially my dogs who love to come up behind me and lay down in my comforting shadow, then have the gall to act offended when I trip over them.

I am so clumsy, in fact, that Jonathon often says the day has not begun until I have spilled my coffee.

And now…you’re beginning to understand why I find the lowly apron indispensable. If it only served to spare my clothes from spilled coffee, it would still be indispensable. But it does much more than that. Allow me to elaborate.

The apron is a versatile kitchen gadget

Not only does it protect one’s clothes from besmirchment (I’ve been informed by my computer that this is not a word, but it is now because I said so), but it can be used in many other ways.

Extra storage: Most aprons have large, sturdy pockets that can hold anything from a cellphone to dog training treats to small bottles of vegetable oil. Why would I put a bottle of vegetable oil in my apron pocket? Because I am a feral housewife and it seemed to make sense at the time.

Handling hot dishes: An apron can be used in a pinch to pull a casserole out of the oven. Of course, you must take stock of the thickness or not thickness of the fabric of whatever apron you’re using before you grab the hot object, as thin aprons are…thin.

As a carrying device: One can pile stuff in one’s lap, grab the corners of the apron’s skirt and carry much more than one can with only two hands.

Makeshift towel: This needs no explanation. Sometimes, you just can’t even walk across the kitchen for a towel and you just wipe your wet hands on the apron. Voila!

Dog hair guard: This one only applies if you have dogs. But…sometimes the only thing standing between my clothes and my dogs’ affection, which concludes with a thick coating of dog hair all over the front of me as thick as cinnamon sugar on donut holes, is my trusty apron. And this is also why I generally chuck it straight in the dirty laundry bin at the end of the day because it is not fit to be seen a second day.

Aprons are easy to make

Aprons are usually an easy first sewing project. They don’t require much fabric, either. So if you want to learn how to sew, grab yourself an apron pattern and get cracking. While a cute apron at Hobby Lobby might cost an arm an a leg, you can make an even cuter apron at home from a cotton sheet at Goodwill for significantly less. (I’ve done that, in case you were wondering.)

And because I can always use just one more apron, I’ll be sewing up a few more for myself in the coming months! Here are some patterns I picked up when patterns were on sale at Joann’s for 1.99 each:

And you’ll notice that there’s at least one manly apron in the mix, because a man ought to have a manly apron for when he is exercising the manly art of grilling.

In conclusion…

There are no downsides to wearing an apron whatsoever, and I highly recommend them.

Housekeeping: I will be releasing Chapter 3 of The Pursuit of Elizabeth Millhouse on Wednesday morning at 7:00 for all my paid subscribers. If you wish to listen along, simply upgrade from a free subscriber to paid with the 8.00 a month option or the 80.00 a year option.

Also, an entire year has passed since that fateful Valentine’s Day when my husband and I nearly burned down our house…and the neighbor’s house. Read all about it and have yourself a good laugh at our expense right here: My Funny Valentine

That’s all for now. Until next time, folks…